Clearway Driving School Jokes Page

The police stopped a car being driven away from a pub. The driver said:"Before you start you need to know I don't have a driving licence, and there's a gun in the glove pocket".

The policeman took a step back and the driver then said: "and my wife's body is in the boot." The policeman ran back to his car and returned with his sergeant who said;"Now what's going on? My officer says you don't have a licence." "Yes I do" said the driver and produced his licence. "Have you a gun in the glove pocket?" "Certainly not" said the driver, showing an empty space. "And what about your wife's body in the boot?" asked the sergeant. "See for yourself" said the driver opening the empty boot, "and I suppose he also told you I'd been drinking?"

"When you sold me this car you told me it was rust free."

"Well, we didn't charge you for the rust, did we?"

Can you beat Learning Lane, or Independence Drive,
as the most appropriate or amusing place to learn to drive?

A traffic policeman pulls over a car on a lonely back road and approaches the lady driver.

"Ma'am, why were you weaving all over the road?"

"Oh officer" the woman replies "Thank goodness you're here! I almost had a terrible accident. Swerving to avoid a tree I looked up to see another tree right in front of me, so I pulled the car over to the right and there yet again was another tree in front."

The copper nods, then points to the thing dangling under the rear view mirror.

"Ma'am," he says patiently, "that's your air freshener."

An Ausin 7 broke down and a Rolls Royce driver stpooed and offered help. Unable to start it, they agreed he would tow it to the garage.

All went well, until they were overtaken by a Bentley. The Rolls driver was not used to that, and so he increased his speed - 30 - 40 -50 - 60 - 70 - 80 - 90. The Austin driver was so frightened he started to sound his horn, and weave from side to side.

They passed so close to a cyclist that his braces were caught on the door handle of the Austin, and he was dragged along behind and so started shouting.

Just then they passed an AA Patrol, who looked in astonishment, then radioed to his control: "I've just been passed by a Bentley doing at least 95, followed by a Rolls, then closely followed by an old Austin7, hooting to pass! They're all followed by a shouting cyclist trying to overtake!"

If everyone who drives a car could lie a month in bed
With broken bones and stitched up wounds, or factures to the head
And there endure the agonies that many people do
They'd never need to preach safety anymore to me or you

If everyone could stand beside the bed of some close friend
And hear the doctor say "No hope" before the fatal end
And see him there unconscious, never knowing what took place
The laws and rules of traffic, I'm sure, we'd soon embrace

If everyone could meet the family of the man who's gone
And step into the darkened room where once the sunlight shone
And look upon the vacant chair where daddy used to sit
I'm sure each reckless driver would be forced to think a bit

If everyone would realise pedestrians on the street
Have right of way as much as those upon the driving seat
And train their eyes for children who run recklessly at play
This steady toll of human lives would drop from day to day

If everyone would check his car before he takes a trip
For tyres worn, loose steering wheel and brakes that fail to grip
And pay attention to his light while driving roads at night
Another score for safety could be chalked up in the fight

If everyone who drives a car would heed the danger signs
Placed by the highway engineers, who also marked the lines
To keep the traffic in the lane, and give it proper space
The accidents we read about would not have taken place.

And last, if he who takes the wheel would say a little prayer
And keep in mind those in the car depending on his care
And make a vow and pledge himself to never take a chance
The great crusade for safety then would suddenly advance

If Microsoft made cars:

• Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
• Occasionally your car would stop on the motorway for no reason, and you would just accept this, re-start and drive on.
• When executing a manoeuvre, your car would occasionally stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine.For some strange reason you would accept this too.
• You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
• Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5% of the roads.
• Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make the run much slower.
• The oil, fuel and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a "general fault" light.
• New seats would force everyone to have the same size behind.
• The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
• If you were involved in a crash you would have no idea of what happened.